This blog will officially start on September 5th, 2010. Why this date in particular? Well, it’s the day I turn half a century old, the big 2-5… Oh my!
To be honest, this big event was something that had caused me a huge problem since the time I turned 24. One year ago, interesting things started happening to me. Well, panic attacks and anxiety are not that interesting I guess… But the reasons as to why one gets these to begin with kind of are. Or at least they are to the person going through it. I spent the past year trying to figure out why I out of all the people I know, I would suffer from these attacks. And then, after a few therapy sessions with a University psychologist, countless self help books and tapes; I slowly started to realize for myself why a person with three degrees, great friends, an incredible family etc. felt the way I did.
I felt like a clock was pounding its minute hand on my head ticking down whatever time I supposedly have left. I couldn’t believe where the time had gone, where my years had gone… Now for those older than me, I can understand why you may think or say, “Wait till you hit my age!” Well, I don’t want to wait… I want to end this cycle now. Therefore, this is what I have decided to do. I have created a list of things I want to attempt and accomplish this year. Fears I want to conquer, emotions I want to feel, things I want to see and do (key theme here: WHAT I WANT). Seeing as I am a people-pleaser this will be difficult, I know. For a long time I had a fear of disappointing people, of having people think bad things of me. “I hope she didn’t take what I said this way… Or, I hope he didn’t think I meant this…” But you know what I noticed? No one ever gave that kind of attention to what they said towards me. Therefore, I have promised myself not to be purposely ignorant in terms of what I say to others or hurtful in anyway, but rather not to sit there and waste my time analyzing my every single word and action. This is my number one thing to change this year…
Wow, now that was a ramble, ok back to the blog… This entry is meant to be like a prologue if you will. You see the purpose of this blog is not to set a goal for myself like having1 person or 1 million people read this. No, the purpose of this blog is to put myself out there in a way that opens up the idea of having a person read my most personal thoughts. This is typically very uncomfortable for me… And that is why I am doing this… Allowing the chance of someone to actually read what I have to say, what is going on in my life, what I am feeling right now at this moment, well, all of that is pretty powerful stuff (or at least for me it is). The fear of someone, even one person out there, listening and getting to know some of my deepest fears and secrets is in part the thrill and purpose behind this blog. On top of all this, this blog is going to help me stay on track. My hope is it will help me keep my promise to myself when it comes to my ambitions and goals.
This year is going to be all about chasing MY dreams finally, and turning MY fantasies into a reality.
-B85
