The fall of Constantinople,
What a fall that was. To see not only,
Might and muscle tremble and draw to a close, abruptly end.
Furthermore an impermeable force crushed.
That is the reality of my love for you, Sophia.
You raided my heart, and sacked,
Any other possibility of chance my spirit may have had.
At finding conviction and devotion in myself.
Dufay said it best,
“All her friends have dealt treacherously with her;
There is not one of her lovers to comfort her.”
How is it that I too, with all my Sophia,
Have become like the Matris Ecclesia Constantinopolitane?
And yet, from the dust which was to be the fate,
Of this church, these people; future supposedly entrenched in time.
From their plummet they rose, as too shall I.
And once again plant myself on the sturdy rock,
My boulder, my life map, of meandering side streets.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Why Is It That Those You Love Most, Hurt You The Most?
We all have those special people in our life, you know, the ones that we love because they are our family and therefore it kind of comes with the territory. We love them even though they continually find ways to hurt you intentionally. What if you had a person who you love and look up to, constantly find fault in what you do, say, think, etc.? What if you had someone in your life that constantly found a way to make you feel guilty, wrong, and at fault? Even more horrible, what if that close person spoke ignorant and cruel things about others in your family, people not alive anymore to defend themselves, or memories of times passed?
For me, my grandmother is that person; a woman who has gone through so much in her life that it has left her bitter, stubborn, and hurt. But, why is it that these people, hurt by others long gone, take out here frustrations and anger out on the people who care most about them? I have come to the conclusion that it is because we are all they have left... We are the last few people who still take time and energy to listen to them. We are the ones who try to “fix” them, protect them, but always at the expense of an argument followed by the traditional “I will not speak to you for 3 days as your punishment” (and yes that has happened... like that’s a punishment...)
But today she went too far... Not only insulting my dead grandfather (which for whatever reasons she has so much anger towards) but also my mother (her daughter) my sister, and myself. Even at her age, after all the years passed, she still wants the recognition of “I’m a hero after all I’ve been through”... Everyone goes through issues and problems in life, its how we survive them and how we allow the experience to change us that counts. Living in the past, means you will never live in the present or for the future, and then you blame everyone around you for your regrets. In life, there comes a time for all of us when the universe says to you, “Man up already”! If you really wanted whatever you wanted, go after it... Don’t be afraid of it... If you fall on your face - who cares... if others may judge you - who cares! My grandmother is one of the smartest people I know... She loves history, knows a bit of everything... And all with a grade 6 education from the old country. But what does it matter what you know if the people around you are hurting because of you... Who cares what you’ve learned from books if you haven’t learned a thing from life?
For me, my grandmother is that person; a woman who has gone through so much in her life that it has left her bitter, stubborn, and hurt. But, why is it that these people, hurt by others long gone, take out here frustrations and anger out on the people who care most about them? I have come to the conclusion that it is because we are all they have left... We are the last few people who still take time and energy to listen to them. We are the ones who try to “fix” them, protect them, but always at the expense of an argument followed by the traditional “I will not speak to you for 3 days as your punishment” (and yes that has happened... like that’s a punishment...)
But today she went too far... Not only insulting my dead grandfather (which for whatever reasons she has so much anger towards) but also my mother (her daughter) my sister, and myself. Even at her age, after all the years passed, she still wants the recognition of “I’m a hero after all I’ve been through”... Everyone goes through issues and problems in life, its how we survive them and how we allow the experience to change us that counts. Living in the past, means you will never live in the present or for the future, and then you blame everyone around you for your regrets. In life, there comes a time for all of us when the universe says to you, “Man up already”! If you really wanted whatever you wanted, go after it... Don’t be afraid of it... If you fall on your face - who cares... if others may judge you - who cares! My grandmother is one of the smartest people I know... She loves history, knows a bit of everything... And all with a grade 6 education from the old country. But what does it matter what you know if the people around you are hurting because of you... Who cares what you’ve learned from books if you haven’t learned a thing from life?
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Where Has All the Class Gone?
So, officially 25! Actually, the transition wasn’t half as painful as I thought it would be. I still feel and look the same, and according to my sweet Godson’s brother, I don’t look a day past 19… If only!
The three day long affair is something I will never forget though. Rewind back to Saturday, lunch at the Royal York Hotel… I had never EVER been to the Royal York and it really was an amazing experience. Not so much because we ate lunch in the same room where my great aunt used to waitress when she first arrived to Canada over 50 years ago, but more so because of the “evolution” that took place from then till now. My mother remembers all the stories my great aunt would tell her about all the famous people who used to stay at the Royal York. All the beautifully dress women and the dashing men who held doors open and acted just like a REAL gentleman should. All of that got me thinking, we have lost this “class” which used to exist. Now I do not mean to say that only the rich or famous people of the world are “classy”… The Britney Spears, and Lindsay Lohans of the world are proof that this is far from true. But people in general had patients, manners, pride, and hard work ethic. Is it just me, or does anyone else feel as if these things are long gone?
I’ve been told many times that I remind people of a 40s or 50s woman… I guess my style of dress, how I carry myself, and really my ideals and mannerisms. Maybe this is why I don’t swoon over a guy who tells me a dirty joke, or laugh with some girl about the night she lost her virginity to someone but not sure whom. Where has the class gone? It feels like all we have left with now is ass!!!! A lot of idiots and bobble heads who make asses out of themselves day in and day out.
The three day long affair is something I will never forget though. Rewind back to Saturday, lunch at the Royal York Hotel… I had never EVER been to the Royal York and it really was an amazing experience. Not so much because we ate lunch in the same room where my great aunt used to waitress when she first arrived to Canada over 50 years ago, but more so because of the “evolution” that took place from then till now. My mother remembers all the stories my great aunt would tell her about all the famous people who used to stay at the Royal York. All the beautifully dress women and the dashing men who held doors open and acted just like a REAL gentleman should. All of that got me thinking, we have lost this “class” which used to exist. Now I do not mean to say that only the rich or famous people of the world are “classy”… The Britney Spears, and Lindsay Lohans of the world are proof that this is far from true. But people in general had patients, manners, pride, and hard work ethic. Is it just me, or does anyone else feel as if these things are long gone?
I’ve been told many times that I remind people of a 40s or 50s woman… I guess my style of dress, how I carry myself, and really my ideals and mannerisms. Maybe this is why I don’t swoon over a guy who tells me a dirty joke, or laugh with some girl about the night she lost her virginity to someone but not sure whom. Where has the class gone? It feels like all we have left with now is ass!!!! A lot of idiots and bobble heads who make asses out of themselves day in and day out.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
“How to Advance you ask?”
You must show endurance.
Endure the ordeals put forth They are all part of your chart, I promise.
Endure the abundant good,
As well as the rich wows that come.
Mercy and compassion are keys.
They unlock love, for the self and others.
These keys, found on the chain,
Linked to your mind and spirit.
Your honour and honesty is all you have,
As a compass on the guided road.
Honesty is what then will lead to loyalty.
Loyalty to what you know and trust,
Loyalty to those that know and trust you.
Being thankful, how difficult for most.
Be thankful for the day that you awoke to see.
As well as your current health and prosperity.
The degree is not to be measured,
Show gratitude, strength will emerge from gratitude.
Heal everyone around you.
Find your needed tools.
Be it through laughter,
Be it through comfort,
Standing up for another,
Calming someone down.
We all can heal each other,
And be healed by another.
Listen to your infused knowledge,
The kind not found in a book,
But rather in connection
Between you and your surroundings.
Sit quietly and just listen.
Silent reflection should not be daunting.
Silent reflection liberates you,
To be positive in mind,
Even through hardship.
Endure the ordeals put forth They are all part of your chart, I promise.
Endure the abundant good,
As well as the rich wows that come.
Mercy and compassion are keys.
They unlock love, for the self and others.
These keys, found on the chain,
Linked to your mind and spirit.
Your honour and honesty is all you have,
As a compass on the guided road.
Honesty is what then will lead to loyalty.
Loyalty to what you know and trust,
Loyalty to those that know and trust you.
Being thankful, how difficult for most.
Be thankful for the day that you awoke to see.
As well as your current health and prosperity.
The degree is not to be measured,
Show gratitude, strength will emerge from gratitude.
Heal everyone around you.
Find your needed tools.
Be it through laughter,
Be it through comfort,
Standing up for another,
Calming someone down.
We all can heal each other,
And be healed by another.
Listen to your infused knowledge,
The kind not found in a book,
But rather in connection
Between you and your surroundings.
Sit quietly and just listen.
Silent reflection should not be daunting.
Silent reflection liberates you,
To be positive in mind,
Even through hardship.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Prologue
This blog will officially start on September 5th, 2010. Why this date in particular? Well, it’s the day I turn half a century old, the big 2-5… Oh my!
To be honest, this big event was something that had caused me a huge problem since the time I turned 24. One year ago, interesting things started happening to me. Well, panic attacks and anxiety are not that interesting I guess… But the reasons as to why one gets these to begin with kind of are. Or at least they are to the person going through it. I spent the past year trying to figure out why I out of all the people I know, I would suffer from these attacks. And then, after a few therapy sessions with a University psychologist, countless self help books and tapes; I slowly started to realize for myself why a person with three degrees, great friends, an incredible family etc. felt the way I did.
I felt like a clock was pounding its minute hand on my head ticking down whatever time I supposedly have left. I couldn’t believe where the time had gone, where my years had gone… Now for those older than me, I can understand why you may think or say, “Wait till you hit my age!” Well, I don’t want to wait… I want to end this cycle now. Therefore, this is what I have decided to do. I have created a list of things I want to attempt and accomplish this year. Fears I want to conquer, emotions I want to feel, things I want to see and do (key theme here: WHAT I WANT). Seeing as I am a people-pleaser this will be difficult, I know. For a long time I had a fear of disappointing people, of having people think bad things of me. “I hope she didn’t take what I said this way… Or, I hope he didn’t think I meant this…” But you know what I noticed? No one ever gave that kind of attention to what they said towards me. Therefore, I have promised myself not to be purposely ignorant in terms of what I say to others or hurtful in anyway, but rather not to sit there and waste my time analyzing my every single word and action. This is my number one thing to change this year…
Wow, now that was a ramble, ok back to the blog… This entry is meant to be like a prologue if you will. You see the purpose of this blog is not to set a goal for myself like having1 person or 1 million people read this. No, the purpose of this blog is to put myself out there in a way that opens up the idea of having a person read my most personal thoughts. This is typically very uncomfortable for me… And that is why I am doing this… Allowing the chance of someone to actually read what I have to say, what is going on in my life, what I am feeling right now at this moment, well, all of that is pretty powerful stuff (or at least for me it is). The fear of someone, even one person out there, listening and getting to know some of my deepest fears and secrets is in part the thrill and purpose behind this blog. On top of all this, this blog is going to help me stay on track. My hope is it will help me keep my promise to myself when it comes to my ambitions and goals.
This year is going to be all about chasing MY dreams finally, and turning MY fantasies into a reality.
-B85
To be honest, this big event was something that had caused me a huge problem since the time I turned 24. One year ago, interesting things started happening to me. Well, panic attacks and anxiety are not that interesting I guess… But the reasons as to why one gets these to begin with kind of are. Or at least they are to the person going through it. I spent the past year trying to figure out why I out of all the people I know, I would suffer from these attacks. And then, after a few therapy sessions with a University psychologist, countless self help books and tapes; I slowly started to realize for myself why a person with three degrees, great friends, an incredible family etc. felt the way I did.
I felt like a clock was pounding its minute hand on my head ticking down whatever time I supposedly have left. I couldn’t believe where the time had gone, where my years had gone… Now for those older than me, I can understand why you may think or say, “Wait till you hit my age!” Well, I don’t want to wait… I want to end this cycle now. Therefore, this is what I have decided to do. I have created a list of things I want to attempt and accomplish this year. Fears I want to conquer, emotions I want to feel, things I want to see and do (key theme here: WHAT I WANT). Seeing as I am a people-pleaser this will be difficult, I know. For a long time I had a fear of disappointing people, of having people think bad things of me. “I hope she didn’t take what I said this way… Or, I hope he didn’t think I meant this…” But you know what I noticed? No one ever gave that kind of attention to what they said towards me. Therefore, I have promised myself not to be purposely ignorant in terms of what I say to others or hurtful in anyway, but rather not to sit there and waste my time analyzing my every single word and action. This is my number one thing to change this year…
Wow, now that was a ramble, ok back to the blog… This entry is meant to be like a prologue if you will. You see the purpose of this blog is not to set a goal for myself like having1 person or 1 million people read this. No, the purpose of this blog is to put myself out there in a way that opens up the idea of having a person read my most personal thoughts. This is typically very uncomfortable for me… And that is why I am doing this… Allowing the chance of someone to actually read what I have to say, what is going on in my life, what I am feeling right now at this moment, well, all of that is pretty powerful stuff (or at least for me it is). The fear of someone, even one person out there, listening and getting to know some of my deepest fears and secrets is in part the thrill and purpose behind this blog. On top of all this, this blog is going to help me stay on track. My hope is it will help me keep my promise to myself when it comes to my ambitions and goals.
This year is going to be all about chasing MY dreams finally, and turning MY fantasies into a reality.
-B85
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